Jokes from TWS to boost his posts

[MrTWS]

[MrTWS]

Richard Bransons Virgin Airlines has some bitching competition here

[MrTWS]

And finally for tonight (in case I get banned)

[Dan]

Haha! I laughed at the third one

[MrTWS]

These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat.

He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs.

He says to the other bum, "Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?"

"Hell no!!!" replies the second bum, "That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!"

The first bum says, "Okay, suit yourself," and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.

A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, "Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat."

And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.

The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, "Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!!!"

[MrTWS]

A 75 year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow."

The next day the 75 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:
"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, with nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. We even called up the lady next door and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, but no matter what we tried we couldn't get the stupid jar open!"

[Administrator]

Two Scousers are on holiday in Africa, hanging out on Nile riverbank. Suddenly a crocodile swims past with a blokes head in its mouth. "Fuckin' ell Terry, did you see that fella?" "I did Barry - and the flash bastard's got a LaCoste sleeping bag.

[James]

Originally Posted by MrTWS

And finally for tonight (in case I get banned)

Hey, don't worry.

[James]

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes up and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around. He concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them into the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out the window and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn."

[MrTWS]

great jokes and I can see from James answer I'm in good company here LOL

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him. So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!". The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!". So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!"

[MrTWS]

Woman in Asda notices a young assistant. He has such a cute arse it makes her randy.
She asks him to carry her shipping bags to her car. On the way she cant hold back any longer and says "I've got an itchy pussy"
He says "you'll have to point it out love, all these fucking japanese cars look the same to me!

[Administrator]

Originally Posted by MrTWS

Woman in Asda notices a young assistant. He has such a cute arse it makes her randy.
She asks him to carry her shipping bags to her car. On the way she cant hold back any longer and says "I've got an itchy pussy"
He says "you'll have to point it out love, all these fucking japanese cars look the same to me!

lol. that one took some 2 minutes for me to understand. ------------

[MrTWS]

It would appear that David Hasslehoff is indeed on the mend and making a comeback in a BIG way as he launches into some of his latest bits and bobs:


The BBC are on him too



And Bill Gates wants a bit of the Hoffmeister



And finally the Hoffs own reply to this comment

[MrTWS]

[Albert Tai]

Originally Posted by MrTWS

loool